Friday, September 25, 2009

I'm just his mother.....

I haven't blogged here in a while........mostly because I am unable to narrow my thoughts to one guide the randomness that floats through my head into one post with clarity.

And, I'm tired.

But, I'm home alone on a Friday night, have just tucked in two children and am crossing my fingers that bedtime will stick .......and am thinking that if I type some of all this randomness out onto the screen that my head will be empty to absorb the two hours of taped Gray's Anatomy I have to watch (WANT to watch I should say) we go.

As a quick catch up, we have been taking Bubbe to see a therapist to work on his anxious behaviors.

Bubbe never had any trouble with attachment - he and I were, are, and it's looking like always will be attached. For the last three years, I have wondered about his anxiety. I asked all those significant professionals in our life and got the same answer all the way around - "at his age, these behaviors are still considered within the norm - far to one side, but within the norm." ie....kiddo loves his mommy, and at his okay.

Fast forward to about a month ago, when I determined that "norm" or not - we needed some guidance from someone who had time to do more research than me. Or, a large case of wine. So, off to meet chickie (our therapist) we went.

We have determined that Bubbe is an "anxious" child and exhibits "anxious" behaviors.

Of course, as it reads in the mother hand book - the first thing you do is re-examine every moment of the last five years. Why does my child not feel secure? My child who has never been apart from me longer than 3 hours on any kind of regular basis not feel secure? My child who nursed for two years and who I let self wean not feel secure? My child who gets all the snuggles, attention, book time, special outings, etc. not feel secure?

Even odder - how is it that my child is fearless about all things that should be feared is anxious? Favorite ride at Disney - Tower of Terror. No qualms about standing on two chairs tipped over in order to swing from my dining room chandelier. Laughed at the new Monster Plantation at Six Flags that his own mother kept her eyes closed during. No fears there.

But yet, he is afraid to go to Sunday School. The same church we have been going to for over a year, in the same building where he goes to school. He is afraid to go to kindergarten. The same preschool he has been in for the last three years. He is afraid to go ...........anywhere without me.

Worse than those, are that he is anxious in our own home. He has to know where I am at EVERY moment. He follows me around the house - nope, I don't think I've peed alone in 5 years. He has major anxiety attacks if you change floors of the house and don't take him with you. Forget about getting the mail without finding him in the front yard, crying and shaking that he didn't/couldn't see you (even though you said four times "Bubbe - I'm going to mail box - I'll be right back).

I can assure that the sentence I say every day more than any other is "Bubbe....mommy is right here." I say it in the morning, I say it all day, I sat it at night ....through multiple bedtime attempts, and yes.....I say it several times during the night.

He is the child of the million questions. How long will I be at kindergarten? Is that a long time? Will you come back for me? ..........Where are you going to be? Is that far away? How long will you be there? Is that a long time?........Are we staying here a long time? .......What are we going to do tomorrow? Will it be a long time? Will you come back for me?

I could understand if we had experienced a major trauma. Like, if I had been in an accident and wasn't able to pick him up. I have picked him up from everywhere I have ever left him - and been timely. Mostly early. If your not early.......let's just don't go there........

Anyhoo.....this is the kid I live with.

This is the same awesome kid who sings Livin on a Prayer until you wish Bon Jovi had never recorded it........who tells the funniest jokes........who gives the sweetest hugs, snuggles and kisses.....who makes the best cards with his own desk supplies........who you can barely discipline because he really is just that darn cute.......

Then, this week as I am sitting in my weekly therapy appointment.....I am now told that while Bubbe exhibits anxious behaviors, he also exhibits attention seeking behaviors.

What the hell does that mean?

Is there anything about a 5 year old that is NOT attention seeking?

I left there more confused than normal...........and have been invited back next week for a parent session (which at the moment feels like a call to the principal's office to discuss my parenting skills) in addition to his normal session so WOO HOO two trips to Athens next week.

In my calm moments, I'm guessing that chickie is trying to tell me that while she thinks he begins truly anxious, that he continues the behaviors to get attention.

I'm still thinking that the first priority is to get rid of the anxiety - and thus the behavior won't start, and then I won't have to try to figure out where one ends and another begins?

But then again, I'm not the trained professional.

I'm *just* his mother.

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