Monday, August 15, 2016

Welcome to my Mess

"I am not equipped to handle what they have - both bad and good."
There is nothing like a weekend pity party and down time to scroll facebook to cause the green eyed monster to begin to roar.
As I sat at home this weekend, in gastro madness, I got to "watch" how *everyone* else was out. Eating things that look fabulous- things I haven't even considered eating in years. Adventuring with their family. Taking adorable group selfies of all the "fun" they were having.
I stepped away from that world to watch Big Bang Theory. Guaranteed to cheer up the nerd dork that I am. As we watched, the Princess and I decided we adored Howard and Bernadette's living room. Pretty grey walls. Beautiful couch with adorable colorful throw pillows. A coffee table. It is precious. Seriously.

You see once the green eyed monster of comparison has risen her ugly head, she's hard to extinguish.
I woke this morning and looked around my own living room. There are blankets strewn all over our partially hand me down, partially bought on clearance mismatched couches. Those couches hold my family. Those blankets are a sign that we like to snuggle in, all together. There is no coffee table - that left when we had our first crawler and it became a source of more "boo boos" than pleasure. Now, we have a soft, rounded edge ottoman that can be used for board games but mostly stays tucked to the side so Peanut has plenty of room to build tall castles with Daddy each night. There is usually laundry on my couch - mostly folded. For my big kids know that folding a load of laundry means they get to pick what is on the TV. I'm not above bribery. A huge piece of drawing paper stays out - a place for everyone to doodle. And toys, well, what's a living room floor without emergency princess supplies - we usually have wings, a wand and a tiara at minimum.
I'm not equipped to handle a fancy living room. Trust me. I've met me. We LIVE in our home. Everything about our home says we live here - we school here, we fellowship here, we rest here. We use it. To it's fullest. 24/7/365. I don't fuss about sippy cups on my couches or crumbs on my floor. It's not in me (if you've met my mother, it should be - but it's not  - her domestic goddess skills just skipped me).
My devotion read this morning challenged me to say to myself "I am not equipped to handle what they have- both bad and good."
I don't know the back stories of every awesome fb picture I see. I don't see the struggles behind the happy date night picture. I don't see the past - just a glimpse of a posed moment.
I am only equipped to carry MY good, MY bad, My victories, MY burdens.
I'm only equipped to be ME.
28 “Come to me, all you who are tired and are carrying heavy loads. I will give you rest. 29 Become my servants and learn from me. I am gentle and free of pride. You will find rest for your souls. 30 Serving me is easy, and my load is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
"My load is light" - I've been pondering that this morning because let's face it, some days my load feels anything BUT light.
I'm thinking if it feels heavy, I'm not carrying it right. I didn't lay it down at the cross in prayer - I'm toting it around. Dragging it. Or often just being swallowed by it while sitting on my mismatched, blanket covered couches.
Mama Warriors, the world of comparison is so easy for us. It's right there. It's me in my wrong size yoga pants, messy pony tail (and not that cute purposeful kind) standing in the Kroger wearing a fake smile trying to figure out how everyone else can throw on leggings and look WAY better than I do? It's me in my house trying to figure out why our home looks so..........lived in while everyone else seems to have had Chip and Joanna over recently? It's me feeding my kids the store bought rotissiere chicken and trying to figure out how everyone else has time to actually make Pinterest meals AND their kids eat them willingly?
It's so easy to berate ourselves. Because truth is hard to believe when you've lived years with the green eyed monster. You are equipped to be YOU. You were chosen to be you. Hand picked, fearfully and wonderfully made. You are equipped to carry your good, your bad, your victories, your burdens. They are YOURS. You want what HE wants you to have - you want what you are equipped for. Messy living room and all! 

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